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Just as I was battling these thoughts and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, I found myself in the middle of a pandemic. The world stopped around me (though we did manage to salvage some food and toilet paper from the store); we were locked inside the house, me and my family. The house that we were staying in started to grow smaller and smaller as days passed. People were getting laid off around me and I kept getting buried in work, wondering if I was next. Not a good recipe for someone who has severe depression.
My mental condition started to deteriorate; I was stuck and now there was no way out. God’s promise wasn’t coming true for me, and I blamed myself for my excruciating pain every single day. I felt He didn’t love me because I deserved to suffer.
[4:79] Anything good that happens to you is from GOD, and anything bad that happens to you is from you. We have sent you as a messenger to the people, and GOD suffices as witness.
During this time, NY state was offering free counselling. I do believe that counselling, therapy sessions, advancements in medicine are all God’s gift to us; they are means and resources that God has made accessible to all of us and we should avail these as long as we remember God is the only one who controls everything. [7:54] Absolutely, He controls all creation and all commands.
Finally, I couldn’t take this pain any longer. I had feelings of not wanting to exist again in spite of having it all—money, family, material luxuries. I regretted that I chose freedom of choice unlike the stars and the moon. I detested myself, I was now at the end of the road. I had no way out. I didn’t want to go to counselling, I felt they wouldn’t understand and I would just be another statistic in their book.
I tried hard to make the call, but I still wasn’t comfortable going to a therapist, that’s when a thought crossed my mind. [26:80] “And when I get sick, He heals me. God is the best Healer; would God accept to be my therapist instead?
I sat down and decided to talk to God. I prayed and asked Him if He could be my Therapist. I let it all out, I cried in pain seeking His help. It was a one-way conversation, and there was no burning bush around for me to hear back. However, afterwards I felt better, maybe because I vented it all. Days passed by and every day I would talk to my Therapist about how I felt.
As I was going along trying this new personal healing project, I also made sure to use all the resources available from God. I would go through Dr Khalifa’s material that God had him leave for us. I also promised myself to do a few minutes of meditation every night, no matter how tired I was. During this time, there were online Quranic studies and I started joining those as well. I also started applying a few suggestions from God’s messenger in my everyday life with a hope that God would send some healing.
[5:12]….. And GOD said, “I am with you, so long as you observe the Contact Prayers (Salat), give the obligatory charity (Zakat), and believe in My messengers and respect them, and continue to lend GOD a loan of righteousness. I will then remit your sins, and admit you into gardens with flowing streams…
Days passed by and slowly and steadily I started to feel better. I found myself to be happier, the fog that covered my brain and my heart felt like it was lifting. After a few months, someone close to me pointed out that I was different, that I wasn’t sad anymore. When I realized that people around me were noticing the same difference I saw in me, I jumped in joy! Praise be to God! I don’t feel that depression any more. I am a happy person now every single day, perfect happiness, now and God willing forever. I couldn’t believe it was possible but here I am feeling like I never felt before.
When I run into unfavorable issues, I find myself saying God is running everything and moving along cheerfully. I do have my days of being snappy, but that is mostly because of work (who loves working for corporate anyway). I find it hard to convey in words how it feels to be happy after knowing depression for years on end. Laughing my heart out at something that is funny. My Therapist helped me, even though He didn’t respond to me in words; He healed me in actions. He sent help in the form of Quran and His messenger and other submitters. He sent help in forms that I don’t know. But help did arrive.
[10:57] O people, enlightenment has come to you herein from your Lord, and healing for anything that troubles your hearts, and guidance, and mercy for the believers.
I realized connecting to God at an individual level, especially during meditation, being mindful in our contact prayers, following His messenger, reading His scripture, joining the Quranic study groups and above all denouncing idolatry in every sense and form sends healing and mercy in ways we cannot comprehend.
[2:186] When My servants ask you about Me, I am always near. I answer their prayers when they pray to Me. The people shall respond to Me and believe in Me, in order to be guided.
As long as we make the conscious choice of submitting to Him alone, as long as we are in His Kingdom, His healing, His love, His blessings will shine through to us.
Coming out of depression was a big milestone in my life. I am now left with happiness and a routine that surprisingly God already had mentioned which I didn’t think to apply.
I make sure to read the Quran every day, as many verses as I can.
[17:82] We send down in the Quran healing and mercy for the believers…
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