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God, please help us focus on ourselves to commit 100% of our time to worshiping God alone. God, please help us be guided so no one can harm us. God, please provide us with your mercy, to accept You are in control of all things at all times.
[2:286] GOD never burdens a soul beyond its means: to its credit is what it earns, and against it is what it commits. “Our Lord, do not condemn us if we forget or make mistakes. Our Lord, and protect us from blaspheming against You, like those before us have done. Our Lord, protect us from sinning until it becomes too late for us to repent. Pardon us and forgive us. You are our Lord and Master. Grant us victory over the disbelieving people.”
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We all want to improve, achieve more and be better people. One tool to do so is critically examine oneself regularly (59:18); see where we may be falling short of God’s reminders in the Quran. Another is to hear reminders from fellow submitters (51:55). If we are doing the reminding, we must do so in the best possible manner. But are we as open to reminders as we are to reminding others? If others try to help our soul by pointing out how we’re doing and where we could improve, and do so using warm words of wisdom, kind constructive criticism, or “360-degree feedback”, then do we welcome it?
The painful answer may be, “No.” Our fragile egos are partly to blame. We all want to meet our own expectations of ourselves, and so being critiqued — or even the prospect of being critiqued — can present a threat.
For this reason, rather than us welcoming feedback, our first response could become a defensive knee-jerk reaction. Such reflexes serve to make us feel better about ourselves and yet they stop our souls from becoming better.
Sometimes we don’t even realize we are deflecting feedback. For example, people may seek feedback only from supportive allies, or only for matters in which they know they excel. Other times, someone may be excessively harsh on oneself knowing that kind Submitters will try to offer words of encouragement instead of criticism. But perhaps the simplest deflection technique is to avoid hearing feedback at all.
Since it isn’t always possible to ignore or avoid critical feedback, sometimes our ego may find other ways to protect itself. One of the other handy tools Satan uses is misdirection: focusing attention away from our flaws.
For example, when we observe that we have “performed poorly”, one may blame the circumstances (“I missed the Contact Prayer because of my alarm clock”). Or point to other people’s shortcomings and away from our own (“I’m doing much better than others out there”).
Another tactic Satan likes to play is have us discredit the feedback-giver. We see clear examples of this when arrogant leaders insult, ridicule and attack God’s messengers. God willing, we do not react that arrogantly, but we should be aware of what the ego is capable of.
But are these defensive reactions to feedback inevitable, or can we avoid them? What can we do to better listen to reminders that improves our souls, God willing.
Research suggests that people are more open to receiving diagnostic feedback if they first think about the positive traits they most value in themselves and remember past occasions when they demonstrated those traits.
This can help them overcome the “threatening” nature of feedback. While we may not want to think we’re “all that”, we can believe that God is Most Gracious, Most Merciful (1:1, 1:3) and the One who guides us (1:6). We can trust in Him to help us through. Most of us were idol worshipers before finding the message. Would not the One who guided us to His message, allow us to see the paths of improvement, if we sincerely implore Him (19:48)? The feedback we receive from another person may or may not be correct. But if it is correct, we can seek comfort in knowing God is Forgiver, Most Merciful. And that overcoming a weakness only makes our soul stronger.
Classic psychological studies on persuasion show that people can easily trick themselves into thinking they enjoyed an unpleasant task, if they only believe they actively chose to do it. Could something similar work with feedback? Can we convince ourselves to accept advice by believing that we chose to receive it?
We can also consider the question, “Would we rather find out now if we are wrong or on the Day of Judgment?”
To avoid changing to please others rather than God, we must also reflect on feedback sensibly with the tools God has given us, i.e., the policy manual called the Quran, taken in context. The Quran is not only a mercy, it minimizes our risk of misunderstanding, and it is a source of guidance that can prevent us from straying, and it fosters improvement.
There are different kinds of feedback, positive and negative. God may use “negative” feedback like pinches as reminders (in the big picture these should be considered a mercy from God). There is also positive feedback such as signs from God and reassurance (5:12). At the same time, we should examine our actions using the Quran to guard against our works being adorned in our eyes by Satan (43:37).
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